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Navigating the Friend Zone

An excerpt from Dr. Simpson's book "What women wish you knew about dating: A single guy's guide to romantic relationships "

Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship – never.  
  -Charles Caleb Colton

Your heart is my piñata.
  -Chuck Palahniuk

Let’s just be friends

A man looking for love dreads no four words in the English language more. The thing that drives me crazy is that a lot of people don’t understand why. It’s almost like there’s an obligation for a man to remain friends with a woman who doesn’t want to date him. If he refuses, then he’s a sore loser, he’s not being cool. When a woman offers a man friendship instead of dating, his friends might say, "If you can’t date her, isn’t it only natural that you’d want to be friends with her?"

No!

Though friendship is a crucial part of dating, friendship and dating are different. The goals, expectations and rules are different. You don’t treat a friend the same way you treat your girlfriend. While it’s not always bad to be friends with a woman who refuses to date you, it’s certainly not always a good.

When a man settles for friendship instead of dating, it’s rarely because he’s excited about developing a friendship. He does so in hopes that the woman will someday change her mind. After months of intimate friendship, she’ll realize what a wonderful man he is, run into his arms, marry him, and live happily ever after. Name one person you know to whom this has happened. Did you think of one? Maybe even two?  Good. Now count the number of guys for whom it didn’t work out. I’m guessing you broke double digits.

I’m not being cynical and I’m certainly not discouraging you from being friends with women. Without some of the female friends I’ve had over the years, I’d be in big trouble. But you need to be honest about your intentions and have integrity in relationships. Be certain that friendship is really what you want. You can figure this out by asking yourself five questions.

1) Do I want to be friends with her for the same reasons I would a man or a woman whom I don’t find attractive?

2) Will the friendship benefit us both equally?

3) Would I be interested in friendship with her even if I’d never been interested in dating her?

4) Will I be happy for her if she starts dating another man, even one of my friends?

5) Do I feel comfortable being friends with her while dating someone else?

If you can answer yes to all of these questions, great. Be friends. If you said no to any of them, think twice about pursuing a friendship with her, because friendship isn’t what you’re after.

The friendship zone
I’m not discouraging you from befriending her as a way to be mean or bitter. You won’t make a good friend right now. Genuine friendship requires a type of love, philos, that’s different from eros, romantic love. Think of the ways you and your buddies relate. If you have a disagreement, he makes a new friend, or gets a girlfriend, it won’t bother you like it would with a woman you find attractive. This means that you can be more loyal and supportive. You can be there for him despite significant fluctuations in his life. It’s not the same with a woman that you want to date. For example, it’s harder to be committed to the friendship if she gets a boyfriend. If she gets mad at you, it will be more difficult than if one of your buddies does. You won’t be a stable, reliable friend. You can’t be the kind of friend she needs if you’re attracted to her. It’s not fair to her.

Some of you might be saying, “This is a bunch of crap. I’m great friends with a woman who didn’t want to date me. In fact, she’s my best friend. Stick that in your ear, shrink-boy!”  Maybe so. But there’s a quick way to determine if you’re really her friend or if you want something more. Do you want to kiss her?  If she turned to you one night after a “friend date” and asked you to plant one on her, would you do it?  If you would, you want something else from the relationship that will make it hard for you to be a good friend.

If a woman offers you friendship instead of dating, gently, respectfully decline. Tell her that she deserves a loyal, stable friend, and you can’t be that right now. Explain that you still care for her and that you’ll pray for her, but friendship won’t be edifying for either of you right now. Maybe someday, if your feelings subside, you can be the type of friend she needs. Until that time comes, be a gentleman. Don’t withdraw in bitterness and anger. Be nice to her and speak well of her to others, but approach friendship with caution.

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~ Stephen W. Simpson (Ph.D. Clinical Psychology, M.A. Theology)  is a clinical professor at Fuller Theological Seminary and a psychologist in private practice in Pasadena, California. He writes and speaks regularly about relationships, sexuality and faith. He is the author of Assaulted by Joy: The Redemption of a Cynic, What Women Wish You Knew about Dating, and co-author of What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew about Sex. To learn more about Steve, his books, or contacting him for speaking or counseling, visit www.stephenwsimpson.com