Family Decisions

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Family Decisions - Who Decides What?

by Allen Unrau

You feel that your mother should move. She wants to stay right where she is and can give you ten good reasons for her decision.

making family decisions You tell her that you have noticed some changes in her life lately and she should take some timely advice.

She takes offence at your "intrusion" into her affairs and basically tells you to mind your own business.

You feel hurt because your intentions were good. You only wanted the best for her and now it seems like she's pushing you away. The same woman that encouraged you to make your own decisions throughout your lifetime is now making some of her own and it feels uncomfortable.

She has never actually come out and told you what you should do. There were many gentle suggestions and subtle direction signs that you may not have noticed at the time, but she always made sure the final decision was yours.

Her last words about decisions in your life were:

"You've got to live with what you decide. Look five years down the road and take your time with your choices. I'll help you all I can, but ultimately it's up to you."

You Think She's Making the Wrong Choice
Right now you think she's making the wrong choice in staying where she is. You feel that her safety may even be a concern in the next few years if she doesn't make some changes now.

She softens up, puts her arms around you and tells you she loves you. "I'm just fine here you know. You worry too much about me, but I do appreciate it! We'll talk about it later."

She got away with it again…you feel. In your mind there is unfinished business. In her mind it's business as usual. She's on her own and wants to stay that way. You might be in for some hurtful confrontation if you don't put a family decision-making plan into place in the near future. If you are right and her situation is actually deteriorating, she may not be able to make clear, rational decisions when the time comes. If you are wrong and try to force her to make choices too early, you will alienate yourself from your own Mother.

As your years increase, who should decide what in your family? Will you all just coast along and hope that everything works itself out or will you put a plan in place now that you all agree with?

In this culture we push independence like it was sacred. Even when we see someone making a horrible mistake, we tend to let them go because we don't want to be "meddlers." Should you consider giving up a small amount of independence now for the comfort and security of future help when you really need it? Of course, adult children should allow their parents to take some risk, but at what cost? Many adult children feel trapped in a no-win situation:

Say nothing and feel guilty for the rest of your life if something terrible happens to your parent - or-
Push your point and feel a coldness creep over your relationship with your Mom and Dad.

So, Who Should Decide What And For Whom?
Is there one member in your family who gets stuck with making all the decisions? They have always been looked upon as the wise one and the rest of you have left everything up to them. Everyone seems to disappear when the tough choices come up. You would be well advised to decide right now to make major decision as a complete family before your elderly parents age any more.

Here's The Plan: Write down all the future decisions that you can think of. For example: Where will Mom and Dad live when they can't drive anymore? Distribute the list when they can't drive anymore. Distribute the list of future decisions to your entire family. Sometimes great wisdom comes from sixteen year-olds as well! Take the risk and meet as a family as soon as possible. These issues are very sensitive. Remind each other constantly that difficult decisions made are not a reflection of your love for each other.… Learn to accept each other's decisions after they've gone through the "family decision making process."

Always ask this final question: Is this decision the best interests of the other person or is it really in my best interest and for my convenience?

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Allen Unrau writes a weekly column relating to "reallife" seniors issues in Abbotsford BC. He is actively involved as a volunteer with numerous seniors' organizations in the Fraser Valley. He is a grandfather of eight and works as a licensed realtor specializing in seniors Real Estate...helping seniors and their families with the purchase or sale of homes in the Fraser Valley.

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