Is Your M-I-L a Source of Annoyance?

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Is Your M-I-L a Source of Annoyance?

by Allen Unrau

Victoria’s mother-in-law is 80 years old. Even after forty years, their relationship is rocky and she still has unresolved issues that gnaw away at her.

Last week, just for interest’s sake, Victoria tried to recall the number of times that her M-I-L had given her a gift with no strings attached. The only item that she could remember was the old TV she brought over after winning a new one in a contest.

From the Beginning
This relationship started off poorly right from the start. At Victoria’s wedding, her M-I-L demanded that she (the bride), the other daughter-in-law and son-in-law step out of the pictures so the photographer (paid for by Victoria’s family) could take some photos of “her family.” Her new brother-in-law, standing beside her, told her to get used to it because their M-I-L does this at all occasions.

Victoria’s in-laws have always had an amazing amount of knowledge about each family member’s personal financial affairs and they seem to believe it is their duty to share this information with all their relatives.

At a recent family dinner party the topic of a cousin’s financial situation came up. Victoria’s M-I-L and F-I-L proceeded to talk quite specifically (this was not guess work) about this cousin’s income and expenses and speculated how much would be left for savings at the end of each month. They rambled on for some time, discussing car payments, mortgage payments, credit card debt (etc.) all of which was known with uncanny accuracy.

Tight Lipped
As Victoria and her husband Ed left the party, she made him promise to never divulge a single piece of their financial information to any family member even if they say they are “just trying to help.” She could just imagine their personal finances being dissected and analyzed by her M-I-L at the next family gathering they weren’t able to attend.…

Victoria really hopes to have a good relationship with her in the future. She wants to be able to deal with her effectively and kindly - especially now that she is again…already 80 - but it never seems to work! She just plain dislikes her M-I-L so much because of their difficult history and her negative personality traits. She has tried in the past to talk to her about how she feels and include her in their lives but she always oversteps her boundaries or shows no appreciation.

And she talks so much! Victoria and Ed were driving into the city the other day and saw a bumper sticker that said it perfectly: Help!! I’m talking and I can’t shut up.…

When she got married, Victoria imagined that her new M-I-L would be this wonderful supportive person who would also be a great friend and mentor. She is so sad that even after 40 years she can barely tolerate her and sees no hope of ever having a close and meaningful relationship with her.

Sad isn’t it? Are you involved in a situation like this?

Now For Some Good News....

Tanya’s mother-in-law is 60 and the most wonderful person she has every known! She never interferes and treats Tanya as her own daughter…not just her son’s wife. She quietly supports the decisions they make and only gives advice when asked (and then carefully). She never uses guilt or manipulation to control her son or daughter-in-law. She also loves all her grandchildren equally and unconditionally. She’s known as the perfect M-I-L.

Victoria decided the day her son married Tanya 15 years ago that she would be exactly the kind of mother-in-law she wished she could have had.

Congratulations Victoria for breaking the cycle!

On a personal note…my M-I-L, Margaret, just left after spending two weeks with us. She’s a 9.9 out of 10. (Nobody’s perfect!)

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Allen Unrau writes a weekly column relating to "reallife" seniors issues in Abbotsford BC. He is actively involved as a volunteer with numerous seniors' organizations in the Fraser Valley. He is a grandfather of eight and works as a licensed realtor specializing in seniors Real Estate...helping seniors and their families with the purchase or sale of homes in the Fraser Valley.

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