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A Widow's Journal - Part 8

Part 8 - God is Still Faithful

In Memoriam

The anniversary (Nov 24) of John's home going came and went to remind me that I have been without him for a whole year. It seems like it is just a few weeks ago. I still miss him all the time, but God has been with me in such a wonderful way. To paraphrase John's often repeated statement that 'cancer was not in charge, but God was'; I soon discovered that 'grief is not in charge, but God is'.

In Memoriam

A couple of months ago I came across Psalm 112. As I read verse 7, "He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord", I thought it totally described John. For most of 2002, every time he had a PSA test, the number had doubled from the previous one, and then as time went on we didn't need tests to tell us what was going to happen. But John never wavered. Actually most of Psalm 112 reminds me of John, but I chose the last half of verse 7 in the New Living Translation for his grave marker. Along with the classic graphic image of 'praying hands', it says simply, "He confidently trusted the Lord".

What has my life been like?

I've been attending my church care group's meetings and going for coffee or lunch with old friends, including some from high school days. I try to see my mother every week, and my children and grandchildren a couple of times a month. I have no siblings left, but I keep in touch with John's. Two months ago I invited four couples to join me for dinner for my first effort at entertaining solo at home.

I've also been busy working five full days a week as well as teaching or administering at FamilyLife conferences in different parts of the country. We had seven Weekend to Remember conferences booked between Oct 31 and Nov 30. Check out our website at www.familylifecanada.com for a complete list.

On my way to the Jasper, Alberta conference, I awoke that Friday morning with a tune in my head. This has only happened once since the original time in January so I tend to pay attention. This time, even though it was familiar, I had no idea what the song was, so I couldn't sing it. Later I sang a few bars (no words) to those I was traveling with and asked if they knew it and found out it was called "Lean on Me", but I still couldn't think of any of the words and didn't pursue it.

On Friday night the melody was there again every time I woke up in the night, and again first thing on Saturday morning.

During the opening of my second session with the alumni participants, I usually ask 'who are morning people and who are night people?' This time I also asked how many of them woke up in the mornings with a song in their heads. I think two hands went up. I mentioned my experience and then said that when I got home, I was going to look up the words on the Internet. Almost immediately, one of the women started singing it. She only got to the fourth line, when I held up my hand in apology, and said, "Now, I'm going to have to cry."

Later, another person wrote out the whole song and gave it to me, but I think God's message was in those first four lines. They were, "Lean on me/ When you're not strong/ I'll be your friend/ I'll help you carry on."

I'm just so grateful that God keeps dropping these little gems straight into my heart. They truly do "help me carry on". By the way, the last line is, "We all need/ Somebody to lean on."

I am continuing the E-mail Prayer Ministry for my ministry partners, which John began for leaders, and I am amazed at the way God is blessing these little messages that go out every week.  Here are a couple of quotes that have come in response.

"Thanks for the beautiful Scripture prayers for the past weeks.  Tears stung my eyes as I read them.  It is just so powerful and meaningful to have these personalized.  The Lord has directed you to the right passages every time as far as I'm concerned."

"They are so encouraging and so powerful and effective in our lives. I can't think of anything better that anyone is doing for us! What you are doing has eternal value and earthly encouragement and guidance for us."

"Thank you for your prayers - they are so often exactly what I need."

In April I received my 35-years of service award from Campus Crusade. It is a beautiful Waterford Crystal bowl with the CCC crest etched on one side. Since John was also into his 35th year, I was also given, on his behalf, a lovely framed print of a Kincaid painting, called "In the garden of prayer"

"But", some persist, "how are you really?"

Well, I'm still very tender. Tears come easily, but so does laughter. I can't say I'm getting on with life, whatever that means; but I'm challenged by this new journey. I'm not bored. And I am very excited about God. I love Him more than I ever have before and I'm trusting Him to make this solo thing work.

Recently, when I was tempted to think that my real life was over and that from now on I was just marking time, God reminded me that He has given each day of life as a gift, and if I gave in to the 'marking time' lie, I would be like the servant in Matthew 25 who had buried his one talent in the dirt. That same day I had some other very negative thoughts and I expressed them to God, and then later felt guilty that I had done so. But within days, He so graciously reminded me that even Jesus, on the cross, had asked God why He had forsaken Him. And though He had been expecting the separation and knew it was coming, it was still traumatic when he actually experienced it. Jesus never pretended that what He went through was easy. He was always real.

Ev

Read the last entry in Ev's journal - The second anniversary

Related Reading:
Cancer without fear
Experience Holy Spirit living
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