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Part 3 - God Tears, John Tears

Widow's Journal - Part 3

I was driving to work and thinking about things.

I thought about the lovely time I'd had two nights ago with the couples from our church who had invited me to join their Care group.

Even though I had briefly met some of them before, they really had been strangers until I went to the group.

All of them have lost previous partners, either through death or divorce.

Each has remarried.

On Tuesday night we had a Valentine pot luck dinner together. Everyone in that group is so loving. I had thought they were so kind to me out of sympathy and because I was new, but now as I thought about it I realized that they are kind and loving like that to everyone else in the group too.

Again I started to feel overwhelmed with God's love.

He had chosen them for me at this time. I wouldn't have felt at home yet in a group of singles. I don't feel single. I feel like a married person whose husband is 'away'. (I know it's permanent, but still, I identify with couples.)

As the knowledge of God's choice for me sank in, the now familiar "God" tears began streaming from my eyes (I have identified my tears, I have 'God' tears and 'John' tears. Probably there are also some 'poor me' tears, but so far not too many. 'John' tears come when I think of the good times we had together, like when we got to go to Switzerland with FamilyLife and how much John loved it there, and 'God' tears come when God suddenly makes it ‘super obvious’ that He is loving me.)

So I told Him, "God You choose my friends You know exactly what I need."

And then some of my other insecurities surfaced, and I gave over some other choices as well. "God, You not only choose my friends, You choose my standard of living. You choose my job description. You choose my church."

Actually I already know which church He's chosen. When I knew that I would be alone in the not too distant future, I had wondered if after John was gone, I would be 'invisible' in the church we were attending.

Because of working full time, I hadn't gotten involved in any ministries at the church and so I felt quite disconnected from the people. John, on the other hand, had been an elder for almost three years, and he dearly loved those men as well as the two senior pastors who led them.

It soon became evident that I was not going to be 'invisible'.

People were solicitous and kind. The elders and their wives invited me to their Christmas get- together.

And then after I had sent out my "Song from God" email, the pastor asked if I would share my experience with the congregation. He said he would be preaching on God’s beautiful presence in suffering. I was taken aback, but I said, yes.

His sermon that Sunday was "Kingdom tension: Suffering and power".

I suddenly became very visible.

God also has a sense of humour. A random photograph of me, taken in the church foyer, was one of six that were put on the cover of the church's Annual Report.

It was like God said, "There, is that visible enough for you?"

Read Part 4 of Ev's journal - Date night with God

Related Reading:
Broken on the back row
Experience love and forgiveness
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