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One Liners About Life

• Women should not have children after 35. Really ... 35 children are enough.
• Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
• After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
• I am a nobody ... nobody is perfect ... therefore I am perfect.
• "No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."
• I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"
• "If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
• "How come we choose from just two people for President and 50 for Miss America?"
• On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was ... surrounded by trees and bushes.
• I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
• The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
• Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
• Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
• I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
• "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
• "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."
• Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea ..."
• Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
• I see your IQ test results were negative.
• Regular naps prevent old age ... especially if you take them while driving.
• I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected.
• I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.
• The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
• If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.