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Have You Lost Your Good Friends?

Ellen is a natural hostess.  Her townhome is cozy and comfortable but not decorated so perfectly that you feel uncomfortable sitting on her furniture.  She always makes you feel at home…never too busy to stop and spend an hour with you in her kitchen.

Speaking of that kitchen – the home-made baking that comes out of her oven is legendary.  Jenny Craig herself would not have the will power to turn down the fresh cinnamon rolls and butter that she serves you.

Ellen has been a widow for eleven years.  She keeps busy with her friends and family and the years seem to have passed rather quickly.

When Jack died, she had a choice: withdraw and spend all of her time with her family or reach out and cultivate new friendships.  She chose to make new friends and strengthen old relationships.  She chose to be active and available to help where she could.  She seemed to be able to maintain that perfect balance of time spent with her own family and her dear friends.

Last week Ellen seemed quite sad and maybe a bit lonely.  This is not the Ellen we’re used to.  Over the last eighteen months she’s had a number of changes in her life.  Two of her children have moved out of the area.  Not across the country, but just far enough away so they don’t “drop in” unexpectedly.  She really misses that.  She seemed to have an instinct as to when the “drop in” might occur.  Many times the cinnamon rolls were still warm when they arrived.  How do Moms know when you are coming home?

She has also lost a number of good friends over the last while and it hurts.  It’s like pieces of her life are gone and she can’t imagine how she will replace them.

She hasn’t gone to a lot of funerals, only one for her best friend Betty.  Her other friends are gone for a number of unusual reasons that she hadn’t really planned for. Lucy remarried and even though they still live here, Ellen hardly ever sees her anymore.  She’s busy with her husband. Mavis had a stroke and is in an extended care hospital.  Ellen visits her every week, but it’s not the same.  They can’t laugh and tell “man jokes” like they used to. Agnes has so many family problems right now that she really doesn’t have any time left for her friends.  Ellen wants to help her so badly but she doesn’t know where to start. It’s all so complicated.

Ellen has lost four good friends and only one to death.  She is sad all right.  She’s grieving the lonely void left in her life from the loss of those precious relationships.  She admits feeling a bit of anger, shock and disbelief that she could lose so much in such a short time.

She feels left behind and suddenly cut off from the joy of those valuable friendships.  Things will not be the same in the future.  Ellen must learn to adapt, and quickly...life’s too short to spend it in sadness and depression.

She realizes that those dear friends touched her in many ways.  They remain a part of her lifetime album and she is a better person because of them.  Here’s some advice from seniors who have faced the loss of good friends in their lives:  put yourself in the “make new friends” mode immediately.  Get out and socialize.  Volunteer where you can.  Invite people over and bake those cinnamon rolls again.  Not many folks do that anymore!

There are lots of Ellens out there just waiting for that wonderful new friendship that only you can provide…. Each new friendship is worth more than a million.

Article © Allen Unrau, used with permission

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Allen Unrau writes a weekly column relating to "reallife" seniors issues in Abbotsford BC. He is actively involved as a volunteer with numerous seniors' organizations in the Fraser Valley. He is a grandfather of eight and works as a licensed realtor specializing in seniors Real Estate...helping seniors and their families with the purchase or sale of homes in the Fraser Valley.