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Nine Truths About Death and Dying

Nine truths about death and dying emerged from the intensive conversations Vancouver doctor David Kuhl had with people who were terminally ill:

Time changes:  Being told that your disease will likely result in death causes time to freeze – then change.  Linear time, which the Greeks called chronus, gives way to kairos, time noted for its dimension of depth.

Bad news:  It’s hard for health care providers to break the bad news about terminal illness without adding to a patient’s suffering.  If your doctor’s communication failures have caused you to lose faith in him or her, it may be time to find a new one.

Confront pain:  Pain is part of living with a terminal illness.  It can usually be controlled, or at least diminished.  Once the pain is under control, a dying person can start to focus on emotional or spiritual issues.

Get in touch:  Terminally ill people need to be touched.  It counteracts their sense of aloneness.  As a dying friend, “May I hold your hand?”  Do you mind if I put my arm around you?” or “May I hold you?”

Life review:  Now is the time to review your life:  your achievements, disappointments, relationships and losses.  Start by thinking about your life’s “branching points,” such as marriage, career moves, relocations, retirement.

Truth-telling:  Speak frankly to the people you want to make up with.  Arrange to meet in a quiet place, start the conversation by saying, “I feel a little awkward about this,” and say what’s on your mind.

Parent and child:  Relationships with your parents and children come to the fore at the end of life.  Consider writing letters to them – not necessarily to send or leave behind, but to clarify your feelings.

True self:  Dying often strips off a person’s mask, revealing the true self. Take this gift:  Think about your life and who you are.

Transcendence:  Discover the sense of a higher power, whatever form that takes for you.  As spiritual discovery unfolds, the fear of death recedes.

Related Reading:
Cancer without fear
Experience Holy Spirit living
Need advice? Ask us.

- Ideas contained in What Dying People Want: Practical Wisdom for the End of Life, by David Kuhl (Doubleday Canada, 317 pages, $34.95)

- Used with permission from the Vancouver Sun (article adapted from David Kuhl's book by Rebecca Wigod