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Baby Brigade

Emergency! Emergency!  We’ve got a three-day-old baby, an exhausted mother, a dad who is almost as tired and a couple of older siblings who are feeling pretty cranky.  Time to call in the Baby Brigade!

Most new parents probably have the Baby Brigade number on speed dial on their phones – and you won’t be surprised to notice that the number is yours.  Grandma and Grandpa are frequently the people new parents turn to in those hectic, incredible days after a new baby joins the family.

And of course you want to help – but you also want to stay on the helpful side of the line that divides making new parents’ lives easier and invading their privacy.  You probably remember how you felt: exhausted, anxious and overwhelmed – but also excited and proud.  Mary Tim Hare, who is a postpartum doula (hired by new parents to help out after the birth) says new parents often need an extra dose of mothering themselves to get them through the early weeks.  That means both practical help and emotional support.

The Practical Side
When it comes to the practicalities of running a household, the two big loads on new parents are meals and laundry.  That’s where you can come in.

Vicky Reed, mother of 11 children and grandmother of 16 (with another one on the way), says that when her grandson Leo was born recently, she bought food for the whole family every evening for a week or so.  “I just told my daughter Colleen not to worry about dinner for a while,” she explains.  “It’s such a tough time of day for mothers with a new baby – the baby’s fussing, the older kids are hungry, you’re tired and there’s so much to do to get the food on the table.”

So Reed showed up every evening with a ready-to-eat meal, served it to the family then cleaned up afterwards.  When Colleen was feeling ready to manage, Grandma hit the grocery store and filled Colleen’s freezer with food that would be quick and easy to prepare – frozen lasagnes, fish sticks and chicken strips, trays of cabbage rolls.  “I looked for things she could just shove in the oven and forget about,” Reed says.  (Keep in mind the food preferences of the other kids in the household – this is not a good time to try to reform picky eaters!)

While Reed generally makes daily visits to help out, Wendy Lautenslager actually moved in for five days when her daughter Candice gave birth for the second time.  “I basically ran the household,” she notes.  “Anna Rose was born at home, and there’s lots of laundry after a home birth – and Candice uses cloth diapers, so that meant even more to wash.”  She adds that she also tried to catch up on all the little household tasks that Candice hadn’t been able to get to during the last weeks of her pregnancy.

There are other practical ways to help out, says Hare:

• Hold the baby outside the bathroom door while mom has a shower or brushes her teeth.  Just getting those little things done will make her feel much better, but they can be hard to fit in if the baby is fussy or needs a lot of holding.
• Offer to run errands for the family – pick up groceries or baby supplies, take film to be developed, drop off dry cleaning, drive older kids to preschool or playdates or do any other little tasks that can seem impossible during those hectic early weeks.
• Has this baby been showered with gifts?  As each one is unwrapped, write a brief description of the item on the card that came with the present – it will be easier for the parents to send thank you notes.
• Mom might also appreciate your company during her postpartum doctor’s appointment.  You can hold the baby while she gets checked out, or supervise older siblings in the waiting room.

Emotional Support
Lautenslager stresses: “New mothers need lots of verbal support and encouragement.  If the baby’s crying and they can’t figure out what’s wrong, it’s pretty discouraging.  And they wonder how they’ll ever manage to get anything done around the house.  You have to keep saying, 'It’s OK, you’ll figure it out, it gets better.'”

Sometimes that simple reassurance is more valuable than any advice or help you can give.  It can be hard not to jump in and help as you watch your son fumbling with the diapers, but that could send the inadvertent message: “You can’t do it right so I’ll have to take over.”  New parents need a chance to discover their own abilities.

The parents may also have some ideas about baby care that differ from yours.  Even if some of these approaches seem a bit odd to you, remember that they love the baby and are trying to do their best for him or her.

Hare advises, only half-joking: “No matter what you see your children doing with their baby, tell them how wonderful they are and what good parents they are.  Keep it up for at least the first six months.”

Corrine Quinlan has six grandchildren and one on the way.  She says that she found providing emotional support to her own daughters easy – “I think mothers instinctively know what their children need” - but with a daughter-in-law “you can be walking a tightrope.”  She treasures the positive relationship she has with daughter-in-law Jennifer, though, and credits it to the time they spent getting to know each other before the first baby arrived.

Even the closest relationship will probably have some strained moments since new mothers are suffering from lack of sleep, hormonal changes, bodies that leak all over the overwhelming emotions.  If there have been hard feelings between you and your children before the baby arrived, this may be a particularly touchy time for everyone involved.  Be patient, and try to set aside any disagreements for the sake of the brand-new-grandchild.

The Grandfather Brigade
Grandfathers sometimes feel a bit awkward around new mothers learning to breastfeed and may not have a lot of experience with baby care.  Qinlan says: “In my generation, a father was considered pretty involved if he changed two or three diapers per baby.”

But that generalization certainly doesn’t apply to all grandfathers, and even those who are not enthusiastic about poopy diapers and making dinners may find supporting the new father is the best way to help.

As Bill Hoffmans says: “When my sons became fathers, helping them was just another aspect of the support I’ve tried to give my kids all along.”  He’s always considered being a father a very important part of his life, and wanted to pass that message on to his sons once they stepped into the role.

“It isn’t in the specifics,” Hoffman says. “It’s being there, offering support, being ready to listen.”

Grandfathers often find unique ways to help out.  Kathy Cunningham’s father for example, planted her garden for the spring her baby daughter arrived, and set out pink impatiens in the front, to let everyone know the baby was a girl.  It made her smile every time she looked out the window at the bountiful flowers as she nursed her baby.

Older Siblings
Grandpa often comes into his own, too, when older siblings need to be entertained so that mom can rest.  Lautenslager describes endless games of “bed hockey” that both she and husband Phil played with two-year-old Jonah during his sister Anna Rose’s first week.  “You use tiny hockey sticks and a small puck and the bed is your ice rink.  You lie down on the bed and use your sticks to send the puck back and forth.  Jonah could play bed hockey for hours.”  When he tired of that game, he’d have long baths or go for walks to discover leaves, bugs and special stones.

“I always seem to have a couple of ‘Jonah stones’ in my pocket,” Lautenslager laughs.

While parents often appreciate having older siblings entertained while they concentrate on the baby or grab a nap, Reed cautions that sensitivity is important here, too.  “I remember when I had a new baby, people would offer to take my older kids away to give me a break, and I didn’t want them to go.  They were very interested in the new baby and I felt we all needed to be at home together.  I try to keep that in mind with my own children as well.”

When To Step Back
“The biggest lesson I’ve learned from experience,” comments Lautenslager, “is to leave the baby to the mother.  They need to get to know each other and sort out their relationship.”

Babies are irresistible.  It’s natural to want to hold, cuddle an take care of that beautiful newborn – and you may feel that you are doing the mother a favour by giving her a break from the demands of baby care.  Lautenslager says, “I tried to give Candice time off by taking Anna Rose away, but it was a mistake.  They needed to be together, and it just made her more anxious not to have her close by.”

Vicky Reed agrees.  “The reason you help with the other household tasks is to give the mother more time with her newborn.”  Of course, be sure that the parents understand you are ready to do some baby tending any time they would like a break.

And when is it time to step out of baby brigade mode?  Reed finds that for her children, it’s usually been about a week.  “After that, they feel ready to move towards their regular routine.”

That’s been Quinlan’s typical time frame, too.  “For Jennifer, her mother came for a week, then I came for a long weekend.  After that, she said she felt she could cope on her own.”  But they both add that situations might be different for other new mothers, especially if the birth was a complicated one.

While your intensive involvement might end after the first hectic week or so, this is just the beginning of a new relationship, and you can expect that phone to ring many times in the months ahead.  The Baby Brigade might be back at the dispatch station, but grandparents remain invaluable resources for their children.

“The best part of helping out,” says Quinlan, “is watching my children blossom.  I see them fall in love with their babies, see them grow as the take on this new responsibility.  It’s wonderful to be part of that.  And we’re creating some cherished memories.”

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Need advice? Ask us.

Used with permission from Teresa Pitman, author.